nikitachakraborty.com

Category: Bong Writes

  • New Leaf…

    New Leaf…

    Feels like every few weeks, I have to relearn how to exist, that I do not need to sit in the sun and move my body and not drink too much coffee and dress in clothes that make me feel good and talk to my friends and journal and get off my phone sometimes, and eat vegetables and drink more tea and generally reclaim the space in my life for myself.

    I am attuned to the things which balance me. But, sometimes it’s challenging to stay on top of things. It’s like, I am constantly trying to rediscover my self-care routine. I don’t really have a fix one to fix myself.

    I have started to find a meaning to my life. Something which defines me, may be? Or defines my existence. Not that, I have achieved all my goals and ambitions. I have so much more left to do in my life, my career. But these days, trying to relearn how to exist, have fun, do the things I love has been taking more time then actually executing it.

    Relationships; friends and otherwise has sort of taken a back seat. Most of the time I spend is with myself and my fluff bud.

    I have been embracing the change, I reckon. I have become spiritually a little more inclined than I ever was. I have become spiritually more awakened, may be. Things which I never thought would give me peace, has started giving me peace.

    Separating after being with one man for 7 years is not something that I anticipated, ever. Rather, wasn’t in my wildest dreams. I might have a problem in letting go.

    There are many things I didn’t do when I got separated at the age of 31. I didn’t set up a divorce registry; I didn’t throw my arms out behind me like wings while walking across a car park; I didn’t send an announcement that I was consciously uncoupling with a picture of me and my ex sitting on a lawn in happier times; I didn’t throw a party; I didn’t order a cake iced with “Boy, bye”; I didn’t erase all traces of my married life, burn love letters or throw my rings into the sea.

    I don’t disapprove of these things. Everyone has their way of grieving, letting go – I had chosen to come off the conventional path. What next? Not this, I kept saying, working my way slowly and haphazardly towards the things that did feel right. One of the first of those things was, getting rid all the clothes which the ex had given me. I donated them. I had felt beautiful in those, and I didn’t want to wear it again, because it just kept bringing back the memories. I could let it go. I used that cupboard space to buy new work clothes. (That’s what she said.)

    I did not make the kiddish, graceless gestures towards freedom – by deleting the social media accounts, deleting my wedding photos. Honestly, neither do I have the energy to delete 7 years nor the time. Also, it’s not possible. I don’t regret the 7 years, Probably, the ex and his parents do. I also did not resort to alcohol. I did not prop into a bar and picked up the guy, I saw. (I could have, if I wanted to. Haha.)

    I won’t say I behaved very maturely after the separation. I felt betrayed, cheated, disrespected and humiliated which made me retaliate in a way I never expected. I broke stuff, abused the shit out of the ex. And yet, I was not done. I had so much more to say to him, so much pent up anger and frustration towards him and his parents who supported him in the separation for their own benefits. But every time, I heard his name, saw him, it triggered and impacted me in a way which I swear I will never even want my enemies to go through. I used to get this bouts of depression and loneliness, burst into tears, howl, scream into a pillow and pass out, crying. I talked endlessly about myself, I cried when challenged instead of facing things. Blamed my destiny, blamed myself as if my pain was bigger than anyone else’s in the world.
    Much later, I read Annie Ernaux’s The Years and recognised the way I behaved in my post-divorce period with delight tinged with horror: “As if the marriage had only been an interlude, she feels she’s picked up the thread of her adolescence where she’d left it off, returning to the same kind of expectancy, the same breathless way of running to appointments in high heels, and sensitivity to love songs.”

    I didn’t feel ‘free’ after my marriage ended. I was never looking to be free. I loved being married and doing things that made me happy with the one man, I loved. But the more, I realised how the marriage, the ex and the in-laws made me feel about myself, I started feeling free (mentally). My confidence started shooting up, my health started becoming better. I became calmer, more patient, resilient and tolerant.

    I don’t have regrets in those 7 years because I did everything which a good wife and daughter in law would. I guess the people I was doing it for, were never satisfied, never appreciated and always wanted more.

    Marriage is a team work. That team is often broken by a third person which in most Indian families, is the MIL. Simply, because the man fails to balance his wife and his mother. He marries to have a wife but secretly wishes her to be his Mum. Wishes she molly coddled him like his mother. The man is so emotionally dependent on the wife that he is easily influenced by anything negative that the Mum says to him.
    Calling him a Mama’s boy and saying – ‘he is a guy, he can’t do it. He has never entered the kitchen or used a washing machine or washed utensils. Or that he was brought up with so much love that he expects the wife to take care of him is easier than bringing up an independent man or teaching the fucking art of companionship. Teaching him to help is wife!
    Are we women, not brought up with love or care that we simply choose to learn the basic necessities of life?

    In what household, women were taught how to cook, clean, serve the husband and the in laws and not bloody study? We women, have the nature the adapt, nature to learn. We aren’t stubborn towards responsibilities.

    The difference in upbringing actually creates conflicts in a marriage. Those can be avoided if the two people who are married do not get influenced by ‘others’.

    Dealing with a separation/divorce is a process and you can never, ever be prepared for it.

    I felt like I have been prematurely pushed into a more matured age. Like I was forced to become a grown up.

    It’s hard to pinpoint the moment when I realised my marriage was over. Whatever was causing me to wake up in the middle of the night with anxiety clawing at my stomach, it couldn’t be the possibility that my relationship of 7 years was coming to an end, could it? I still keep thinking that it probably would have lasted has we crossed that 7 year itch mark. Who the hell am I lying to!

    Denial, stress, anxiety, doubting oneself, difficulty in letting go were the added gifts of separations.

    It took me moving into my own apartment, drowning into work, breaking the ex’s stuff, abusing him and eventually cutting all ties to finally get the 8 hours of peaceful sleep (not really).

    Also, remembering that it’s okay to have fluctuations and that it’s part of the process which might make it feel less like a recurring challenge and more like an ongoing journey. The timeline doesn’t matter, the healing does.

    All my love

    N

  • Things I learnt (and, unlearnt) in my 30s…

    Things I learnt (and, unlearnt) in my 30s…

    I hit my early 30s and I realized it’s time to start living a smarter, more fulfilling life. This definitely does not end the stress the anxiety. Those come in when you have bills to pay.

    In your 30s, it’s important to step back and get a little perspective through some good old-fashioned reflection (sometimes with a glass of Whiskey). Sometimes it’s easy to think it’s all doom and gloom as the years tick over and the fine lines and white hairs (honestly, no white hair yet) start setting in; however, getting older needn’t be something to cringe at. I do cringe though. Sometimes, I do preach and not practice. Instead, it should be something to celebrate – no matter the age! (Again, with Whiskey).

    Each year around my birthday, I write a post acknowledging my new age, what I am grateful for, what has been an absolute disaster. I also get a tattoo. I have 22 now. I ’ve found this a great way to put things into perspective and to look at life with kindness rather than criticism (mostly, criticism for me please).

    But, amidst all the sarcasm, criticism, and life happening, few things are non negotiable for me and I try and put those into action.

    1. Self-Care: The meaning of self care is subjective. Can be retail therapy, just therapy, skincare, may be some wine & music, an hour long call with your long distance best friend, wear a nice dress and click some pictures, etc. For me, it is lighting that candle after a long ass day of work (Lavender & Vanilla, for anyone asking), and doing my skin care. I ain’t kidding when I say I love to massage my face with that Jade Roller and finally, go to sleep. Adding onto skincare, please sleep on silk pillowcases. Like, please.
    2. Don’t dwell on the past for too long: Okay, I know, way easier said then done. And listen, I get it. There were times in which you didn’t get that dream job or perhaps someone took advantage of you when you had good intentions for them. It’s okay to think about the times that didn’t go your way or as planned, but trust me when I say, “Let that shit go!” Again, I take my own sweet time to let things go. But when I do, there’s no turning back.
    3. Be vocal, even if the truth is sometimes insipid: I cannot stress on this enough. You might have less people liking you for being vocal & opinionated. But trust me, the people actually like you despite these, are the golden glitters in your life. Never let them go and never let crappy people in
    4. Never Settle: Honestly, I am not really qualified or the right person to say this because I have settled in the past without considering what I wanted. But I am trying to change that. Being vocal helps run this intention.
    5. Stand up for yourself: I’m a highly extroverted person and I’ve taken confrontation with a glass of shot that burns my fucking throat. But, let me tell you this, when the confrontation is over and everything is out there, you feel so damn good! I’m a firm believer that people should speak their minds and stand up for what’s right and not take shit from anyone. My father has instilled this thought in me and I am forever grateful to him. There are plenty of ways to have a no-mess and no-nonsense approach when it comes to stating your peace. BE VOCAL.
    6. You can create the life you want: Ngl, I struggle with this. We all have certain dreams and aspirations that we want to achieve, but the key is finding the right steps to execute them. To sail through the trying times and make the best out of it. This isn’t something that is going to happen overnight. So you have to layout certain steps to get there, such as finding your purpose, setting goals, staying focused, and learning from people that you admire. Adding to this. I learn from my best friend. She is tinier than me but one of the most resilient women I have come across.
    7. Be okay with circles getting smaller: You have to learn to be okay with breaking up with friends that aren’t growing with you. Leave those ‘friends’ behind who pull you down.
    8. Not everyone is going to understand you: You will have certain views, outlooks, and goals that everyone won’t agree with. It’s up to you to cut out the noise and continue to do you. Do not express everyone to be aligned with your thought process.
    9. Treat yourself: Life is too hard to never reward yourself. Buy that new handbag, buy that lipstick (you can never have too many lipsticks), or that dress that makes you fucking stand out in the crowd— whatever it is, treat yourself because you deserve it. In the process, be mindful to never live above your means, but also don’t be cheap to yourself EVER!
    10.  Go after what you want: If you want that dream job (persistence is the key), or that cute guy’s number (This is subjective though. You might want to be asked out rather than ask out)— you have to go for it! Don’t be afraid to take risks and be intentional with what you want out of life. I have applied to jobs I have been rejected a year ago and have had them finally reaching out to me. I might land that role if I keep manifesting it.
    11. Learn from your past mistakes: This does not bode well with all the time. I mean I do learn from my mistakes but I sometimes end up repeating it (Jamie Foxx was right when he said, ‘Blame it on the alcohol’). But hey, I might be 31, I am still learning.
    12. Rest and reset as much as you need to: You know how bad conditioning is? I have been conditioned to work hard in my 20s and 30s, without taking the work hours into consideration, not take leaves unnecessarily. What looks necessary to me might look unnecessary to others and I don’t expect them to understand that. So, take necessary breaks- if you think you need time off, take it! If you feel, you want to be away from people for a week to organize your thoughts, do it!
    13. Money won’t buy happiness, but it damn sure helps!: Oh please, money does bring happiness. You can comfortably live your life when you know you have that money in your account.
    14. Listen to your body: I have failed to do this for years. I have overexerted multiple times. My body is slightly different than it was when I was in my 20s. I’ve realized how much my metabolism has slowed down in addition to not handling endless libations like I once could. Whatever the case, don’t neglect your body. You need multivitamins to function better? Please get them!
    15. Never be afraid to ask for help: This does not sit well with me. I am a hyper independent person and I will keep pushing myself until my brain asks me stop. My pride gets in the way of letting me excel and I am not very proud of it. Closed mouths don’t get fed, so if you need assistance, just ask.
    16. Know yourself, know your worth: You have to constantly believe in yourself without seeking validation from others. But sometimes, that validation massively helps. That one text from your loved ones can give you a positive boost without even you realizing it. Know that you are worthy of all good things, despite people’s opinions and others trying to bring you down.
    17. Take a lot of pictures: This is my favorite! I am very, very high on pictures and I love maintaining my Instagram. I understood how important it is to capture moments and a how it speaks a 1000 words.. So take pictures and record videos, it can be fun and healing to look back on memories. Definitely pumps me up on my low days!
    18. Don’t be afraid to admit you’re wrong: Life is going to constantly teach you lessons, and embracing your failures and errors is a part of it. We all have flaws and we have to stop letting our pride get in the way of admitting them. Owning up is sometimes hard but we can always try, right?
    19. Everyone is not going to like you: This hits the right chord for me. I literally have very few close friends and I swear by them. People may not like the work you do, your opinions, or your personality — and that’s okay. You can’t focus on pleasing everyone else, just stay true to yourself and the right people will be by your side. As long as you like you, that’s all that matters.
    20. There is no perfect timeline for achievements: Not going to lie, this is one that I still struggle with. More so because I have a hard time accepting it. Specially, after I moved overseas at the age of 30 and kind of had to start life from scratch. I don’t have a house or car of my own. I still pay rent. And I guess, that’s okay. You can buy that house or the car when you feel right, financially. Right now, if buying that $200 dress makes you feel proud of yourself, you do you, boo!
    21. It’s okay to not be okay sometimes: This is just self -explanatory. If you feel the need to scream into a pillow or cry to sleep. Do fucking that!
    22. Move somewhere new: I have been on the move since the last 12 years. The last move, however, have been the most difficult one. But, it taught me and continues to teach me so much. Moving to a new place is probably the best way to get a fresh, new perspective.
    23. Create more than you consume: I love social media, especially Instagram because it just gives me the pleasure of uploading pictures, looking at the brands I like, looking at the people I love. I have been called an ‘influencer’ by people who does not even understand what an influencer is because I am active on Instagram. And you know what I realized? It’s my account and I can do anything I want with it!
    24. Cherish the people you love: Tomorrow is not promised, so it’s important to spend time with the ones you love. It’s equally important to tell them how they make you feel, let them know that they are appreciated. This is a two – way street though. Treat people the way they treat you. You are not in this world to please everyone. You are not a Golden Retriever!

    Love,

    N

  • The Pros and Cons of working at the ‘Ad Land’ in ‘Land Down Under’

    To start with: My lazy ass had a hard fucking time to adjust with the work culture here. Well, to be honest, I am still adjusting. It’s been 5 months since I moved. I guess it’s okay to whine for a few more months. Although, man of the house disagrees and wants me to just shut up and move on here. I am trying. Believe, you me!

    I will start with the pros:

    1. The best part about agencies in Sydney- most of them are dog friendly (I write dog friendly because I am not that fond of cats). Australians love their coffee. So much so that I have been influenced to buy a coffee machine for home and start my day with a ‘regular cap’. Every time a co-worker asks you out for coffee, you say yes. Those are the ice breaking moments, conversation starters. Take it from someone who has been very resistant to culture change. Australians are very particular about their coffee. They hate shitty coffee and will not hesitate to spend dollars on a good cup. So now, when I spend $6.50 on my morning coffee, I find Starbucks cheap!
    2. They are dangerously punctual. Migrating from India when I used to wake up at 8/9 AM and literally take my first call with one eye open, I cried every morning here, when I had to wake up even before the sun rose to catch the train and reach work on time. They believe in being 2 minutes earlier than late. I was called out for joining a meeting 3 minutes late. So I ain’t kidding about the punctuality, mate. Being late is frowned upon. And my co-workers and friends back home know very well how punctual I was (sense the sarcasm).
    3. I have worked with advertising agencies in India for close to 7 years. Never have I seen them being process oriented. Doesn’t matter if it’s a global or an independent agency. Every single agency is super process oriented. The dynamics between an agency and a client is remarkable. I haven’t heard Account Management people bitch about clients or call brands cheap or have constant issues with Brand and Marketing Managers. Agencies here maintain a document/sheet for every single job which honestly makes lives so much easier. There is a smart-sheet maintained for timelines and boy, they don’t miss it unless there is a serious reason. Most of the jobs are well accounted for when it comes to timelines and costs. Honestly, this is possible because the clients are also well informed about the SLA’s and more importantly, they agree to it.
    4. Australians make the 9-5 count. They constantly work during that time and try and make sure they do not carry their office, home. This of course is not the case all the time. But they definitely try and do succeed on most days. The only breaks they take are coffee breaks and one lunch break.
    5. They love socialising. Although, personally I feel this is subjective. I have met people sugar coating things better than my snitch exes and then stabbing my back.
    6. I have met the best of both worlds this city has to offer, so far. Some of the nicest people who will genuinely care about you and befriend you and keep in touch and a few nasty ones who will not blink an eye before saying something that might hurt you or put you in trouble.
    7. To be honest, I haven’t been completely absorbed in the Ad Land here because I am in between jobs, and I had one of the most horrific experiences of my entire career.

    Ah, the cons. The embracer of darkness and someone is extremely important to consider while hitting the high road. I would rather write about what helps and what doesn’t.

    1. Anticipate & embrace the change: This isn’t as easy as it sounds and very simply said than done. I personally had a great deal of resistant towards change (simply put – think of Sheldon Cooper from the BBT. Not as maniac as him though).
    2. Get to know your boss: Bond over coffee or skincare or clothes. But bond. Ask questions. Even if the questions sometimes, might sound stupid. Show that you know what you’re doing. This will imbibe a thought in them that you are interested in your job. You like what you are doing.
    3. Imposter Syndrome: I never knew about this until I had the horrific experience here in Sydney. It was massively impacting my confidence, self- belief. I started questioning my capability. I felt lonely in a place of people. I could not come to terms with what had happened in the past. I took a long ass time to recover. Spoke to a lot of people and realised I might slip into depression if I kept going the way I was. I finally came to terms with what happened and started building myself and selling myself to recruiters, agency and marketing people. I felt good about myself after a long time. Mostly relieved that I wasn’t stupid or incapable
    4. Move on: Moving to a new place has been harder than I thought. That includes working in a new place, getting along with the co-workers. I guess constantly writing and putting my thoughts onto the ‘digital paper’ helped to a certain extent. I could pen down every emotion of mine and had quire a few people relate to it.
    5. Stop Comparing: I learnt this in the most hard way possible. I used to compare every single thing with my life in India. Every inch of it. It was killing me, bit by bit. It just made me unhappier and unsatisfied. I realised to make myself happy here, I have to let go of what my life was until June -22. I have to accept that I am in a massively different country with very different people, culture, emotion & life. The sooner I accept this, the sooner I can start moving on and living happily. Moving to a new country is very similar to going through a bad break up, if you ask me. You have a long relationship. You break up. You cry and eventually move on. You move to a new relationship. Compare and weighs in the pros and cons.
    6. Good emails: Writing good emails is extremely important here. By good, I don’t mean just being grammatically correct. You need to be polite and always start and end your email with a greeting.
    7. Gossip: Absolutely stay away from gossip. You don’t need additional drama in your life. You have enough. I know I do.
    8. Bring shit to the table: Be resourceful and dependable.

    While I am still ‘settling in’, learning and growing, I can guarantee these points are worthy of keeping in mind. I am usually a very easy person to mingle with and speak to. I pretty much adjust in all situations. So, take it from me when I say it ain’t easy living abroad in your 30s. You need a lot of screaming into a pillow, calling your friends to whine to help you gain that patience, peace and get rid of that distraught feeling. It is daunting to adjust. But slowly and with enough time, you get there. I am still getting there.

    I am on the other side of the ad-world now and I can definitely pages on the difference. But I do need to spend a considerable amount of time before I do so. Anywho, back to working on strategy now. 🙂

    Love,

    Wildchild

  • Moving to a new country? GROUNDBREAKING.

    Moving to a new country? GROUNDBREAKING.

    Moving to another country used to seem like a daunting prospect to me – as I’m sure it does to many of you! Whether you’ve never moved out of your hometown or you’ve been living in the same home for years, uprooting ourselves can challenge our every sense and emotion.

    After spending 3 months here in Sydney, I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that I am no more in Bangalore. My life literally changed in 2 month since 2022 hit. I have a lot to write on this since this is one of the biggest change in 30 years of my live and I am still at the adjusting phase. I am still trying to ‘fit in’.

    I vividly remember 24th December- I had just finished a meeting at work and Rohan called me to say that he has to travel to Sydney on 17th Jan-22. I was laughing out of shock because it was so sudden. We did have our Visas with us since September, last year but had no clarity about the date of travel. We had a trip planned for New Years and then the moving away shopping and packing started. We packed everything, all set for Rohan’s travel and unfortunately, got Covid a week before he had to fly. So, we obviously had to postpone it. He finally flew on 1st Feb-22 and Kuttush and I were back in Bangalore, all alone in the house and I cannot begin to tell you, how terrible those 2 months were. Now, my brain fixates on these emotions a little late. Mostly when they happen. So, the day Rohan flew, I went to the airport and I lost my shit when he had to enter the Departure gate and since that moment, I knew I was alone in the house trying to fucking live alone, again, after 6 years.

    For a lot of people, moving to a new country is not a big deal. It’s a change that I am supposed to welcome and appreciate. I have been told by a lot of people that I can easily adjust and do well in a new place. But, believe you me, that did not happen with me here. I have had insane amounts of frustrated and broken days which I do not speak about publicly. I am usually perceived as a very outspoken person which is absolutely true. I do voice out my opinions and and do not really tolerate shit. But when I started working here, I honestly could not be myself. I was keeping things to myself even though I knew it bothered me. Trust me, I am a no bullshit person so when I actually had to keep things to myself and not speak about the things I did not like or was a cultural shock to me, I was not being the person I am. It bothered me.

    Moving to a new city is a huge task. New country is another ball game altogether. I came to Sydney in my 30s. Adjusting in a foreign culture is way more challenging for me than it is for Rohan. Brownie points since he has lived in the UK previously. The work culture is so bloody different than India. To be honest, advertising was way more fun back home. Agency life was indeed ‘Agency Life’. I have of course cribbed about working for 14-15 hours EVERYDAY but damn, I miss that now. I know I am weird that way. And, I know I will adapt to the work -life balance here. (Although, I do not need that amount of balance, tbh). Thanks to my father for worshipping his work and for imbibing the workaholic in me too.

    -Also, I know I need to adjust. Let me rant (read:write) in peace.

    Back to those 2 LONG months in India alone. I thank my stars that I had Kuttush with me. I would have gone crazy without him. Long distance ain’t a joke, my friend. That too after 6 years of being glued together. And, history has it that I don’t do relationships well, let alone long distance. (My best friends can vouch for this.)

    I was counting days to when I could move to Sydney with or without a job. The day I decided to move, I had three major tasks- finish up with Leo Burnett (wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be), move Kuttush with my in laws and empty the 3 BHK that Rohan and I called home. That apartment was extremely important to us. It was Kuttush’s first home. He came into our lives a month after we moved in. C1-062 is special. Leaving it was so fucking difficult that I cannot put it into words. Selling every single furniture that we picked out was hard. We took time out of our lives to pick every single thing in C1-062. Every picture on the wall had a story. And then the friends in Bangalore. Some of the most amazing friends, who we had to leave behind because we decided that we need to ‘up-skill’ our lives.

    Cut to Sydney – I finally wrapped everything up and landed at 8:30 PM on the 4th of June. I had the worst flight of my life that day. Not one thing was appropriate. I was crying the whole flight- thinking about Kuttush, Bangalore, C1-062. Scrolling through the pictures on my phone and I was horribly emotional. But I knew things would be better. Things would fall into place when I land. I will have Rohan. I believed in myself that I could turn my unemployment to something positive. I was looking forward to my job here. Going through a thousand rejection wasn’t easy. I was losing faith in myself. Tried looking for other career options too. Even though, I did not want to give up the 7 years of advertising that I had built brick by brick. And then when I did land a job that I thought would be the best for me at that moment, it did not work out. I was heartbroken. I shut my laptop, cried my eyes out and slept off. Did not wake up that day.

    All of these, in just 3 months. Took a week to figure things out, spoke to a few people and started applying for jobs. My Instagram on the other hand, only had happy stories and posts. Why? Because that is normal. No one will put up sob stories on their socials.

    Chandrayee and I were talking the other day that we do not have a middle ground or a consistency in our lives. It’s either very happy or very sad. We lack balance in our lives. Although, our other bestie, Shabbu has a balanced life. I crave for that middle ground, that consistency. I am 30 for fucks sake! I can’t handle such extreme situations.

    I have learnt quite a bit in the many moves I’ve already done. First moved when I was 18. I ain’t a sheltered kid. I am an extrovert and quite outgoing. But Sydney is different. It’s unlike my other moves. Accordingly, I didn’t like the food here very much (except for MCDs Quarter Pounder) and I didn’t really connect with my colleagues, and I didn’t love the city itself (the rain added to it). It was all just too overwhelming for my senses. My first move abroad isn’t the romantic ideal of galavanting that Instagram might now have you believe! Instead, it is a constant barrage of new feelings associated with normal activities. The longer I am here, the more I realized that, I might take ample amount of time to ‘fit in’.

    This new country challenged my perceptions and it forced me to consider my daily life back home with my daily life in AU. Those small comparisons created an overall feeling of unfamiliarity, a lack of belonging and feeling like an outsider looking in. Everything is so extraordinarily different, and therefore, every small change is making me hyper-aware of my surroundings. These simple, tiny lifestyle differences made me pause and wonder at my life back home versus my life here. Was the one necessarily better than the other? Had I never noticed these small moments back home? Did I actually long for this life? Was I secretly wanting to have a better standard of living? Will I become a hypocrite if I choose to not go back? Should I get comfortable here? Should I mould myself in the ‘ AU’ ways? Can I mould myself in the ‘AU’ ways? That awareness drew my attention to moments and scenes from my new life and slightly made me smile.

    I guess it’s safe to say that we moved to a new country.  We moved our lives after spending 6 married years in India. Crave for Indian food every single day. We don’t have Kuttush with us yet. That is another guilt that has been eating us up. And I have some classic assholes in my life who has nothing else to ask about moving or settling down or how we are doing but about Kuttush. To them (you know who you are), fuck you and fuck your fake care on social media. Had you actually cared about me or Rohan or Kuttush, you could have called me to ask, rather than trying to guilt us on social media. We know what Kuttush means to us and we know we will bring him to us. Settling outside home ain’t easy. It ain’t easy to start from scratch in your 30s when you had a pretty decent life back home.  But we are doing it. We are working our asses off to make our lives here, get Kuttush to us.

    So to all my friend, foes, frenemy, lovers, haters- if you think life is all great and happy here, you cannot be more wrong. Life is difficult and we try to make it decent by working hard. Dollars won’t suffice the feelings that we miss, the people that we miss. (It will only buy me skincare and clothes). I like those, not gonna lie. But I like Bangalore too. I miss Bangalore. I miss C1-062. I miss those random drinking sessions at our home with some of our closest friends.

    Moving to a new country shakes your foundation. That’s the thing with moving to a new country: You are forced out of your little protective shell and left exposed before the world. For me, it’s overwhelming. For me, I explode with joy and also get scared at each new experience. I have the chance to learn new things and decide who I want to be here in this new place. I am in another country, surrounded by a language that I am confident in but a culture that isn’t mine. I am uncomfortable at least once, every single day. The perfectionist in me was struggling to keep up with the conversations. The not knowing was a full-handed slap across my face. The little things that minimally alter your daily life create a lasting effect. For example – It’s in not knowing where items are in a grocery store. You have to wander aisle after aisle after aisle. And then you wonder if the thing you’re looking for is not actually there or if you just missed it. You might get on the wrong train or the bus. Might even get down on the wrong station or stop. I have asked the driver multiple times when I couldn’t figure out the stop. Missed his answer too because of the accent but I did reach work and home on time. That probably is adjusting. And you will have Google Maps to guide you if nothing else works. I have Rohan. My personal Google Map because I am an idiot when it comes to directions. You will feel out of place at work. I know I did. I still do. I struggle to make conversations with my colleagues. I know I will get better at that too.

    Once the newness fades away, you enter the mundane bits of life. You rebuild that comfort bubble with new habits and routines, and the challenges of yesterday become memories. You make that apartment, your home. You build that favourite corner of yours with furnitures, lights and colors that you love. You start coming back to familiarity.

    Love,

    N

  • The journey of being ‘fat’ and other negative adjectives

    Disclaimer: My feminist hormone hasn’t taken a toll on me ‘cause I ain’t believe in being half a feminist. Don’t preach what you can’t do is what I go by.  

    I have heard my fair share of slut-shaming comments, fat comments,  you’re too tall to wear heels comments. Ever since I knew and understood what being ‘fat’ meant, I saw myself as one. I have always been fat (read: healthier), child. To be honest, until I was 17, right before I got through college, I wasn’t bothered about my weight. I was healthy, played a lot and did not hog junk. My mother mostly cooked the so-called Bengali ‘junk’ food at home. Also, back then, Guwahati did not have any pizza joints, Mc D or a Subway. So I was at peace.

    After finishing high school and having about three months of free time before I could join college, social media was taking over my sanity and making me realize that I am fat and I need to mend the way I look. I thought I looked manly. I have bad quality hair. I have scratches all over the knee since I played a lot and kept bruising now and then. I have fat arms and cannot wear sleeveless. I was so obsessed with having straight hair that I used the clothing iron and straightened my hair! This sad thing finally triggered my father and out of sympathy, he gave me money to permanently straighten my hair. And I, believe me, I regret doing it even 10 years later. I still like myself in straight hair and I set my hair every morning before work, but I am okay with my hair being wavy sometimes.

    So, during the free months before joining college, I started to ‘work’ on my body, in a good way though. I am someone who loves non-veg and would starve without it. I cannot deal with vegetarian food unless it’s paneer. That someone stopped non-veg, the so-called junk that I used to eat and started climbing the stairs (6 floors) every day for about 2-3 times a day. I lost weight by the time I had to join college and I liked my body. I enjoyed every pinch of the attention that I got from the boys in my college. I was an idiot when I was 18. I thought only thin chicks could look good and hot. I did not realize that a good relationship did not mean having just a good body, it needed a mental connection, similarity too. I hardly ate decent food. I was living in the hostel and the food was all the more so terrible that I mostly skipped meals and survived on Maggi. Gradually, I became thinner and started to look sick. Mind you, not skinny, sick. My face had fallen flat. I used to be ecstatic when a size S would fit me. I still did not realize what it took to look decently good. A healthy mind. Stable mental health. That was missing!

    It took me 5 years after leaving college to understand that I was pushing myself to the edge. Somebody calling me fat affected so much that I started skipping meals for months just to reduce my ‘fat’! I have heard two terrible things from two respective ex’s back in college: You looked so hot when you were thin. That friend of yours wears make up and looks so good. Why don’t you put on some and hide the acne marks? I did not lose my shit with the first one because hello! I was 18 and a jackass. But I lose the absolute shit with the second one and since then kept away from guys till I met the man of the house. 

    I have also been conscious with marks on my legs and was a tad weird about wearing short clothes. But then why should I be? Those are good bruises. I was a happy child who played, fell down and scraped her knees.

    The situation now has of course, changed in the last 10 years. I wouldn’t say I struggle my weight, or I am desperate to lose it. I mostly care about losing it when I see myself not fitting into my old clothes or fit into one that I like and don’t have it in my size.
    But of course, I have had my fair share of comments of being fat and wearing clothes that an hourglass body like mine ‘shouldn’t’ or rather people thought that I shouldn’t. I have been body-shamed and slut-shamed back in college for wearing short clothes or showing cleavage. Unfortunately, Instagram DM’s still slut shames me. Another very funny comment that I still receive: You are so tall! Why do you wear heels? – ‘Cause I fucking like it man! I like my freaking butt when I wear a heel.

    While I was penning down the painfully ‘funny’ comments here,  I comprehend there’s one more because I have been told so. A healthy woman (read:fat from misogynist fucks) shouldn’t have short hair and instead have Nihar Kesh Kanti Oil Long hair. I did not ask why. I laughed and ended the conversation with – ah huh.

    It is unfortunate that a woman is called fat if she is healthy, sukdi – haddi if she is thin, whore if she’s showing skin, plastic if she wears make up! Why can’t people (not just guys, mind you) let a woman breathe at her own fucking will and pace?

    Over time, I realized and I’m still learning to not give two fucks about it. I’ll be honest though. I do feel bad at times but then again my self-motivated soul stops giving any fucks. My self proclaimed thoughts of having fat arms and therefore not being able to wear sleeveless, strings or a bikini came to an end! And I love myself in whatever I wear now. I don’t care if I have fat where I shouldn’t or my boobs seem to sag (supposed to happen with age and I cannot afford a boob job). I like myself in it and I did take time to do that in my so-called fat bod.

    Now when I compare the 10 year old me with the current zero fuck person, I feel relieved to be what I am and where I am. Still working at stabilizing the mental health because it is an ongoing & daily process. A good mental health takes shit amount of work being on it to keep it positive. It ain’t easy, I must say. But I’m still learning. Also, not that I don’t work out. I do. But I don’t watch what I eat all the time because I love food! And that is why I lose it slowly. But I’m happy being decently strong and fit.

    -Wildchild

  • The day I became a Mum!

    The day I became a Mum!

    Just about 3 weeks ago, I was just Nikita, a wife though but not a Mum. Not even close to becoming one. Had no thoughts about it, no plans, no mood. Honestly, I felt like one only when I watched the videos that came on my Facebook and Instagram Feed.

    But then, it suddenly happened.  Rohan and I did keep talking about it. Watched ‘n’ number of videos and thought about becoming parents but then we backed out every time since we both work full time. We went nuts after seeing videos of Golden Retrievers and German Shepherds. And also, Rohan wanted a German Shepherd and I wanted a Pug. He doesn’t like smaller dogs, Says they are useless. XD And no way was I getting a German Shepherd. I fucking pee on my pants even if they are a kilometer away. I know they are the best dogs. So our conversations about getting one always narrowed down to Golden Retrievers.

    And then, one fine Friday, we were working from home and the man of the house suddenly started checking adoption centers, kennels and what not. The man of the house wanted a dog since the past 2 years and I wasn’t very keen on that thought. Mainly, because I have always been scared of them after one chased me like a mad man back in my childhood. Pretty much the scene from Bhaag Milkha Bhaag. “Ekbaar pagal kutta piche pad gaya tha. Kheto se lekar ghar tak bhaga tha”. However, after meeting Rohan, my fear eventually was overpowered by furry baby’s cuteness and loyalty and I started to dislike cats and love dogs. I started playing with them at my apartment, my Brother’s place, my office and any other place where I found one. My Instagram search feed was full of dog videos. Every kind.

    So the next Saturday, we casually called one of our friend who’s Golden Baby had given birth to a litter and we casually went to check them. We reached there and started playing them and just cuddling them. By then, the man of the house and I were mentally parents and started talking about his food, vaccination and all other kinds of stuff. Soon, we had ‘Kuttush’ in a box, in our car, on my lap. And there, we became parents in a day.

    Honestly, I was fucking nervous, weird, anxious and what not. Because, obviously, duh! This was a whole new experience for both of us. And you know, Rohan had the name Kuttush in mind since the day we started talking about dogs. When we saw that little guy, he felt like Kuttush. He was one little, fluffy, innocent looking guy who pooped on my lap while going back home. I was fucking annoyed with that warm, liquid, gross poop on my lap but I did not react. I wasn’t angry on the little guy instead I felt sorry that Kuttush was tired, freaked out about going to his new home and pooped right there because he had no way out. And bang! I became a Mum 😐

    Trust me, it wasn’t easy and it is still not easy for me to accept that our lives have changed. We are getting accustomed to him being with us because we love him.

    The first day, sir pooped twice on my carpet and I sent it for washing, got it back and rolled it forever. Then came in Rohan’s gym shoes. He chewed them away to glory and then I packed all our shoes into the cupboard. The weird part is it’s fun watching him do all that.

    Then came the second day and the responsibility part. Waking up way before we actually woke up to give him food, ask him to poop and pee on the pad. I lost my shit. I lost my shit at the house being dirty to a level that I can never imagine. But then, all this goes away when I look at his face. But again, I won’t lie, it’s a task coming back home from work and cleaning the entire house and then not getting enough sleep and running back to work the next day. No kidding, but I have literally spent two hours everyday sleeping at work for one entire week. I am an impatient person so handling a dog and being patient with his potty training is an extremely tedious task for me. But you know what? I have Rohan who is by far the most patient guy and the best Father that Kuttush can ever get. He is the man who every girl would actually want. He is so good with Kuttush that I have become less anxious and worried now.

    I know we need to sacrifice our date nights, movie nights, drinking nights at pubs for another month at least. But this is all an experience that I don’t think anyone who loves dogs would not want to experience. Coming back home and Kuttush jumping at me and sitting on my lap like there’s no tomorrow is something that I enjoy. Hearing all this to do’s from Rohan and what new chew and ruined is again something that does make me angry but then I think it’s okay. Maybe, it’s okay to not have a perfect, neat and clean home. I am still not completely okay about this. I need time. I am pretty sure Kuttush will change my thoughts and my weird obsession with cleanliness. The other day he made three tiny holes on my new curtain. My heart cried but then eventually I racked those curtains up and tied them to a level he can’t reach. I come back home and he sleeps on my lap like a baby and doesn’t do any kind of nuisance. Doesn’t give a jack to Rohan when he scolds.

    Cutting this short, bringing Kuttush home has possibly been the best that I and Rohan have done. Maybe, he will help us prepare well for the future. The love that he will shower at us is not comparable. It is unconditional. And maybe, he will also make us better parents and better human beings.

    Still bummed about becoming a parent though and trying to gulp a little every day by just taking a look at his face which is I kid you not, so adorable. I can see him growing every day. I feel he is growing by the hour. Or is he? I don’t know. But I can see him grow into a handsome, good pup pretty soon.

    You know what? Kuttush has a way to punish us too. Damn funny but yes, he does. He decides to poop in front of our bed if we are even 5 minutes late to give his food. He has all the weird corners of the house to sleep in no matter how comfortable his bed his. My chappal, Rohan’s toe, my kurtas, and dirt are his favorite foods now. He licks clean all my windows no matter how much I scold him not to eat dirt and eat the food that we give him. But, sadly all in vain. He thinks he is a power ranger and starts running towards us like he’s about to reach new heights at the Olympics for Dogs. But he can’t balance his own body. XD

    Becoming a Mum isn’t easy. Not at all a piece of cake and absolutely not if you are scared of dogs or are a cleanliness freak like me. I am trying hard and working towards becoming a better Mum. I am pretty sure I will keep writing more about Kuttush as he keeps growing and increases his to-do list. XD

    We are really are annoyed, excited, thrilled to go on with this journey. Kuttush is a bag of joy in our lives.

     

    -Love

    WildChild

  • Look ahead! It was just a bad day.

    There’s a reason why I am doing this. I have had a very shitty start to my morning and I wanted to write about it to feel better. Or not? Or at least I have a way to pour my heart out.

    Just this morning, I took a look at myself in the mirror, right before I was stepping out for work, early in the day, with no hint of cosmetics, as yet attempting to open my eyes. I understood how extraordinary I looked. It stunned me for a brief moment and I would not like to accept what I saw. Why? All things considered, not on account of I look “awful” without makeup. In any case, how I am molded to see myself with layers of foundation, concealers and all things not natural every day. I had forgotten how my skin or face actually looked. This is just a statement to prove how I feel about my own skin. I am not hesitant or I don’t refrain from saying that I don’t like makeup. I absolutely love it. It makes me feel good. But it also pulls me back on some days. Maybe, that’s normal. The next lines that I am about to write will not justify makeup. But, the reason for all this is only because my day started with this thought and I had to write it out. And it simply continued to be bad from all the other aspects.

    Why look ahead and get over things, people ask me. I believe it’s the best to always look ahead. We all have bad days. Bad days are a part & parcel of all our lives. You cannot, simply cannot be happy every day.

    So you’ve had a not good, terrible day, and you just want to make yourself feel better right away (corny rhyme totally not intended there). Trust me, I get it. Bad days are the worst, and after a bad day, you probably just want to crawl into a hole (basically,  your bed, with a bottle of beer and reruns of Friends), and never see the light of day again. That’s great, but maybe consider these other ways to feel better after a bad day.

    Maybe you got into a screaming match with your bestie or had a bad day at work or a fight with the man of the house. But, take a deep breath, because it’s all going to be OKAY. No, seriously. It will be.

    Whatever caused your bad day, take solace in the fact that there are things you can do to make yourself a little more zen and centered before tomorrow comes. That way, when you’re feeling 100 percent, you can tackle your problems head-on.

    Some foolproof ways to get rid of a bad day (my ways, mind you). You are most welcome to try these.

    1. Come back home and drink beer. Sleep it off then.
    2. Watch Friends.
    3. Talk to your BFF/man of the house/boyfriend/girlfriend/parents
    4. Listen to some good music. Preferably Metal. It will calm your brain as fuck. ( I can share a list of bands too.)
    5. Or Porcupine Tree. Always Porcupine Tree.
    6. Bring out a pack of smokes and READ.

    I have whined my share of how crappily my day started. Time to get back to work.

    -Love

    WildChild

  • Being Outspoken – A Curse or a Boon?

    Being outspoken has been both a boon and a curse for me. I cannot speak enough about all the judgments and outspoken racism that I have gone through.

    -Thanks to being outspoken, you aren’t afraid to say when you’re upset, angry or disappointed, which means your relationships with loved ones are always very honest and open. (This is told by the people who know me). This, however, is not true for me all the time.

    1. The Troublemaker

    Being outspoken and having a loud mouth often gets me into trouble. I think something went wrong during my developmental stages of aging and it caused my filter to break and disappear because sometimes words just come spewing out of my mouth. Or maybe, I was born without a filter. I have no control over it. I have constant word vomit/puke/barf, and my mouth doesn’t care where I am, who I am with, or what I am doing when this occurs. Seriously though, is there a number I can call to get a new filter? Or does any of the e-commerce website sell a mouth filter? I also tend to need to have the last word, especially in an argument, which never works out well for me.

    2. I Will Always Stand Up for Myself

    Being outspoken has helped me in a lot of ways, one of them being that I will ALWAYS stand up for myself when I am in a sucky situation. I am not the kind of person you can walk all over or talk down too, and I can thank my outspokenness for that. Because I stand up for myself I don’t allow people to treat me like shit and get away with it. I will let you know straight up that you pissed me off, and in the end, it actually helps a situation.

    3. Expressing My Opinion

    No matter what anyone tells you, your opinion does matter. Next time you’re in a situation where you want to state your opinion, but are too afraid too, for whatever reasons; do it! Your opinion can be helpful for not only yourself but for others as well. If you don’t stand up for yourself, you will never get treated with the respect you deserve. So, the next time someone is walking all over you or disrespects you, speak up, and be heard! My opinion is at times seen as an authority.

    I might come out as a very rude, arrogant, and opinionated person. I don’t want to justify any of those adjectives. Everyone has a different perception. I also reveal too much, too soon. This is obviously because of the missing filter.

    All I can say in the end is that there is a fine line between being Outspoken and being rude. And as long as we see that line clearly, things will absolutely be fine.

    -Love

    Wildchild