My day usually starts with my maid and cook waking me up with their doorbell. So practically, my doorbell is my alarm. Major math running in my head – how many hours do I need to complete this week and how many leaves am I left with. I struggle to get out the bed, get dressed and come to work, The only thing that help me wake up is the work that I do. How much I love it. Or do I? To compare this with the most simple person in my life would be my maid and my cook. How passionate are they with what they do? How strong are they in their lives even if they don’t own every good/important thing rather things that are required for a stable living. But I still see them keep going. And here, on the other hand, I go through a tremendous hurricane in my brain and my mental state is screwed to a level that questions my worth, ability and my competence every time. How easy it is for us to get our mental health shaken with the most minimal issues in our lives? Or is it really minimal?
These are pretty much the regular questions that churn my head. I don’t know if I should be worried about my thoughts or is it normal to think this way.
I wonder how to does people with bigger issues (personal & work) deal with their life on a daily basis?
I would divide this into two parts. Two because, both the parts are ridiculously unrelated. Here goes part 1….
Part 1/2
I wanted to write. Write about certain feelings and thoughts that I’ve been having since a couple of months. Mostly about myself, my work. I guess I’ve started introspecting a lot more in this lockdown period because I had the time, you know.
The toughest part has been keeping up with my work when my mental health has gone to the bin since quite some time. It has been exhausting and at the same time a tad liberating to know that I might be good at what I do.
I dropped out of engineering after wasting two years. Two, ‘cause I chickened out from telling my parents that I HATED it. I ruined two years of education, spent 2 and a half years in an abusive relationship. Basically, nothing good came out of those two years. Too much for an 18 year old, I must say. And finally, after getting a year back in the second year, I mustered the courage to tell my parents that I want to quit and study advertising.
Back when I started working in advertising about 5 years ago, tbh, I really did not think that I would stick onto it for this many years. I thought I might change my career mid way. I fell in love with advertising back in college, right from my first semester. Then came in my internships where I did put my heart and soul so that one day I would land up in a good job. I have decent job now. A job which pays me but has no appreciation whatsoever. A job which has been exhausting me, mentally, every single day but I’m too afraid to quit it ‘cause you know it pay my bills. You know the worst part? At one point, a couple of months back, this job made me question my career and my ability! That was the turning point and I did realize a lot of stuff but I still haven’t been able to take a decision. I have been constantly asked to get a masters degree as it will help me in getting a ‘better’ job. I fail to understand this logic as I’ve slogged my motherfucking tushy at work. I have put in all my heart, soul and effort to give myself a life that I deserve and do not hate anything about it. I am done hating my life for two long years back then.
I know I will take time. I will be fine. I will make my mind to feel fine.
You do you, woman!
-Wildchild