Disclaimer: My feminist hormone hasn’t taken a toll on me ‘cause I ain’t believe in being half a feminist. Don’t preach what you can’t do is what I go by.
I have heard my fair share of slut-shaming comments, fat comments, you’re too tall to wear heels comments. Ever since I knew and understood what being ‘fat’ meant, I saw myself as one. I have always been fat (read: healthier), child. To be honest, until I was 17, right before I got through college, I wasn’t bothered about my weight. I was healthy, played a lot and did not hog junk. My mother mostly cooked the so-called Bengali ‘junk’ food at home. Also, back then, Guwahati did not have any pizza joints, Mc D or a Subway. So I was at peace.
After finishing high school and having about three months of free time before I could join college, social media was taking over my sanity and making me realize that I am fat and I need to mend the way I look. I thought I looked manly. I have bad quality hair. I have scratches all over the knee since I played a lot and kept bruising now and then. I have fat arms and cannot wear sleeveless. I was so obsessed with having straight hair that I used the clothing iron and straightened my hair! This sad thing finally triggered my father and out of sympathy, he gave me money to permanently straighten my hair. And I, believe me, I regret doing it even 10 years later. I still like myself in straight hair and I set my hair every morning before work, but I am okay with my hair being wavy sometimes.
So, during the free months before joining college, I started to ‘work’ on my body, in a good way though. I am someone who loves non-veg and would starve without it. I cannot deal with vegetarian food unless it’s paneer. That someone stopped non-veg, the so-called junk that I used to eat and started climbing the stairs (6 floors) every day for about 2-3 times a day. I lost weight by the time I had to join college and I liked my body. I enjoyed every pinch of the attention that I got from the boys in my college. I was an idiot when I was 18. I thought only thin chicks could look good and hot. I did not realize that a good relationship did not mean having just a good body, it needed a mental connection, similarity too. I hardly ate decent food. I was living in the hostel and the food was all the more so terrible that I mostly skipped meals and survived on Maggi. Gradually, I became thinner and started to look sick. Mind you, not skinny, sick. My face had fallen flat. I used to be ecstatic when a size S would fit me. I still did not realize what it took to look decently good. A healthy mind. Stable mental health. That was missing!
It took me 5 years after leaving college to understand that I was pushing myself to the edge. Somebody calling me fat affected so much that I started skipping meals for months just to reduce my ‘fat’! I have heard two terrible things from two respective ex’s back in college: You looked so hot when you were thin. That friend of yours wears make up and looks so good. Why don’t you put on some and hide the acne marks? I did not lose my shit with the first one because hello! I was 18 and a jackass. But I lose the absolute shit with the second one and since then kept away from guys till I met the man of the house.
I have also been conscious with marks on my legs and was a tad weird about wearing short clothes. But then why should I be? Those are good bruises. I was a happy child who played, fell down and scraped her knees.
The situation now has of course, changed in the last 10 years. I wouldn’t say I struggle my weight, or I am desperate to lose it. I mostly care about losing it when I see myself not fitting into my old clothes or fit into one that I like and don’t have it in my size.
But of course, I have had my fair share of comments of being fat and wearing clothes that an hourglass body like mine ‘shouldn’t’ or rather people thought that I shouldn’t. I have been body-shamed and slut-shamed back in college for wearing short clothes or showing cleavage. Unfortunately, Instagram DM’s still slut shames me. Another very funny comment that I still receive: You are so tall! Why do you wear heels? – ‘Cause I fucking like it man! I like my freaking butt when I wear a heel.
While I was penning down the painfully ‘funny’ comments here, I comprehend there’s one more because I have been told so. A healthy woman (read:fat from misogynist fucks) shouldn’t have short hair and instead have Nihar Kesh Kanti Oil Long hair. I did not ask why. I laughed and ended the conversation with – ah huh.
It is unfortunate that a woman is called fat if she is healthy, sukdi – haddi if she is thin, whore if she’s showing skin, plastic if she wears make up! Why can’t people (not just guys, mind you) let a woman breathe at her own fucking will and pace?
Over time, I realized and I’m still learning to not give two fucks about it. I’ll be honest though. I do feel bad at times but then again my self-motivated soul stops giving any fucks. My self proclaimed thoughts of having fat arms and therefore not being able to wear sleeveless, strings or a bikini came to an end! And I love myself in whatever I wear now. I don’t care if I have fat where I shouldn’t or my boobs seem to sag (supposed to happen with age and I cannot afford a boob job). I like myself in it and I did take time to do that in my so-called fat bod.
Now when I compare the 10 year old me with the current zero fuck person, I feel relieved to be what I am and where I am. Still working at stabilizing the mental health because it is an ongoing & daily process. A good mental health takes shit amount of work being on it to keep it positive. It ain’t easy, I must say. But I’m still learning. Also, not that I don’t work out. I do. But I don’t watch what I eat all the time because I love food! And that is why I lose it slowly. But I’m happy being decently strong and fit.
-Wildchild
