How bad is it to not be able to make a decision? How bad it is to not have a sense of responsibility? Do you feel unwanted? Do you feel you have not done enough? Do you feel you could have done a lot more? I think these thoughts are normal.
I remember moving to Bangalore right after my 12th and knowing nothing about living in a metro city or rather a big city. I came from Guwahati which is a small city at least compared to where I live now. I knew nothing about living alone. But I figured. Adulting was a tough job for me but I managed. I managed to survive, live a decent life, away from my parents in a city which spoke Kannada and I didn’t know jack. I still remember 1st August 2011, my first fucked up day in Bangalore. My parents dropped me off to my hostel. Honestly, I just wanted to get out of home after my 12th, away from my ‘controlling parents’. I think that is the basic thought process of a 17-year-old. I had no idea how badly going away from my parents would affect me. I am 26 now and speak to my mother for hours now, every day. Back then, two calls in a row from her or my father would irritate me. I did not even try to realize or understand their state of mind and what they went through every single day since 2011, because I was 2000 miles away from them, on my own. I was adamant, arrogant and barely 18 to realize that I am wrong.
Months passed by and the dreadful hostel food which had gravy in every god damn thing started affecting me and my mental health who just wanted to go back home to her parents and eat dal, bhaat, and omelette. I hated my hostel, my warden, that college, every bit of Bangalore. I hated that I had to study something that I didn’t want to. I did not have the decision-making power or ability. I was an idiot. The only thing that kept me going were the long summer holidays when I could go home.
Two years just flew away in Bangalore and I realized that I cannot continue what I was doing. I was ruining myself, my mental health and my state of being a sensible, responsible, sober person. I had to get out. But how? All this hit me hard. I felt like I hit rock bottom.
One not so fine day, during my summer holidays, I came out to my parents and told them that I want to quit and pursue Mass Communication. They freaked. I cried. They thought their daughter has met her end. They thought I will not be able to do anything decent anymore. After all these years I know that all their worry, tension, and anxiety were justified. After a long family drama and a LOT of talking, I moved to Delhi in 2013.
My life has been decent since then, I guess. I studied what I wanted to and got a job. I realized where my parents came from when they told me they were worried about me. It took me long enough to understand my parents. But I am glad I finally did and I would never go back to the shrewd teenager that I was.
I still have the problem of taking certain decisions. I stumble and fall and fail. But I manage to get up. I managed to make it on my own and I know I will keep doing it. I obviously have the man in my life who is my backbone and I know he will stick.
I do get the feeling of nothingness and I do feel that I am just ‘dealing’ with all kinds of stuff. I do feel I am not worthy enough or that I haven’t achieved things that I wanted to by the time I was 26. I guess I have time. I guess I am okay.
I guess it’s okay to not know everything and not figure out everything. I took two long years to figure out what I wanted to do. I took a decent amount of time to understand my parents and Rohan.
I do have bad days at work and in my personal life. Doesn’t mean I will stop. Sure, I will feel miserable and live in a state of oblivion for a while. But things do get normal, right? That is how life is and will be.
We all have terrible days in our life but that absolutely doesn’t mean that every day will throw dirt on us. Having bad experiences teaches you how to live a better, meaningful life.
We should not project this onto others. I know I have and I am not very proud of it.
Told my husband “you suck”; gave the finger to someone who did not even cut me off! Who do we usually project feelings of insecurity onto? I stopped feeling, thinking, but completely withdrew. I went to sleep and hoped that it would all end by the time I woke up. Or, tried to self medicate by taking painkillers, drugs, or overeating. How do I actually self medicate? I firmly believed that these ugly feelings are forever and if anything thing would get worse. “There is no hope, I am a stupid person”, “I will never get this”, “I will never…”
I should actually stop for a moment and think. In fact, I should honour any feeling that I have even if it is the most impractical and illogical one ever. I should be kind to myself and show compassion. I should speak to myself with respect and dignity and not allow any thoughts of disrespect to invade my mind and my soul. I should remember that this too shall pass.
If all these are ‘dealing’ with the stuff then all right, I am gladly ‘dealing’.
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